Elder-Care Realities

Elder-Care Realities

It was supposed to be easier to have my mom close by. Dealing with medical and financial issues has become no more efficient when it comes to relying on professionals to do their part. At least it’s somewhat easier to get ahold of them and certainly to get her to appointments when needed.

We wound up at the emergency room the Thursday after arriving when her labs from her primary-care doctor showed high potassium levels and dehydration—most likely because of the diuretic and potassium pills Georgia doctors prescribed after the congestive heart failure. The pacemaker is doing its job, however, and Mom’s heart is working better. The doctor here took her off the medications and we are watching her weight carefully to ensure no fluid buildup.

And here is where the difficulty arises. She insisted on her own place but shouldn’t be alone. She literally can’t remember any instructions and becomes confused easily. The solution? Constant monitoring, which means myriad phone calls (she often turns her phone off accidentally—personal trip to her apartment required), to remind her to weigh herself, check her blood sugar, take her pills and insulin, eat.

She can’t remember what is and isn’t acceptable on a diabetic diet. Not being able to do the shopping herself helps with that, though constantly having to explain why a certain item was not bought can trigger stubborn denial at needing to be guided.

The Tedium of Care

The constant repetition of explanations, directions, what day it is, what’s on the agenda for the day, what day it is, how to work the phone or the TV, what day it is—you get the picture. Patience wears thin, the temper frays—on both sides—and you dream of a day to yourself with no responsibilities. I don’t see one in the near future. My family needs care, too, and has to be squeezed in whenever possible. I thank God I have an understanding husband who loves my mom like his own. I don’t want to imagine what it would be like if caring for a parent caused marital conflict.

My sister does a lot but also works full-time, so has less free time. There is extended family that can visit and keep my mom from being lonely. They can’t handle things like bills and Social Security screw-ups, or with her health concerns, personal care and medications. Having to coordinate between too many caregivers can be as time-consuming as doing it yourself.

The Bottom Line

I’m glad my mom agreed to move back where we can care for her. We’ll eventually work out the details to share that care and, I sincerely hope, never make her feel like a burden. No matter how compromised the mental capacity, people need to feel useful and appreciated as well as loved. My mom is one of the most creative people I know. We have to find a way to tap into that with her current abilities. Maybe she’ll figure it out before we do.