A Parent's Death

Waiting for a Parent to Die

I understand now why people say that no matter how long a loved one has been sick, their death comes as a surprise. My mother was put on hospice with cancer and severe heart problems almost seven months ago. In that time she has weathered numerous infections and ups and downs in her ability to be independent in dressing herself and getting herself to the dining room of the assisted living facility where she has been living, and taking her medications with prompting as to the times.

Tomorrow she will go to a nursing home where there is more nursing staff who can give her medications themselves and help her with daily living chores as her strength and memory fails. There has been several times when we thought the end might be coming, but she always rallied—to the point we began to call her the ever-ready mama. Her decline is obvious from the beginning of hospice to now, yet those continuous rallies give you a false sense of security that she will continue to come out the other side.

I think this is where the surprise comes in when your loved one finally succumbs to their ailments. Not one of us three kids wishes my mother to continue in pain and the anxiety or outright fear her confusion often causes her, yet we naturally dread our own angst and grief when she does die. Knowing she will be better off joining her parents, brother, sister, and our father who have already passed is comforting, and isn’t. This ambivalence about death is part of the human condition.

What Next?

The death of our parents obviously means we are the next in line. In my case—my mother is only twenty-one years older than I am—my being in her place doesn’t seem far enough into the future. And my generation started having kids later in life. I am thirty-four years older than my first son, thirty-nine years older than my second son. I have to wonder what stage they will be in when I start to need help or if they will be available or willing. Neither has a girlfriend at the moment. I may be too feeble to hold my grandchildren by the time I get any.

Obligations

I’ve never been of the opinion that parents shouldn’t be burdens on their children. I think part of the breakdown of society is the current fashion of family members being independent of one another, especially with the economy not on the side of the middle class. Children used to stay with their parents until they married, though I really think being on their own before marriage helps them to grow up. Grandparents used to help young parents take care of their children and middle-aged kids took care of their aging parents.

I wanted my mother to move in with my family after my father died but she felt my house was too small and wound up at the facility when she became ill, though we three kids have certainly been there to help her when needed. I suspect families may have to go back to this old-fashioned model if the cost of living continues to outstrip incomes.