Resolving Shame

Resolving Shame

I subscribe to the Biblical teaching, “Let those without sin cast the first stone.” Doesn’t seem to work, however, when the shame is my own. I’ve done numerous things I’ve been ashamed of in my lifetime, some relatively minor, others harder to resolve, not only with a second party, but with my concept of the kind of person I am or at least strive to be.

I know I have a tendency to control and bully to get my way. Being aware of it, I do my best not to give in to it. The first time this tendency hit me on the head, I found out about a singing contest I really wanted to enter but wanted someone to go with me for moral support. I had a friend with a beautiful voice, even shyer than I was, who adamantly refused. I cajoled and downright bullied to get her to go, refusing to take no for an answer, to the point that when I arrived to pick her up, she had fled her own home to get away from me.

At first angry then, realizing what I had done, ashamed, I apologized profusely the next day, surprised she agreed to talk to me at all. She accepted the apology, but needless to say, the friendship soon dissolved.

Forgiveness

Once in the middle of a severe family problem, I lashed out at someone outside the family but with a similar problem. I made amends but lost faith in myself as a good person. It took about a year before I got to the place where I could accept God’s forgiveness, which he showed me in a profound and loving way. It relieved me of the fear of others’ reactions. If He could forgive me, what did it matter what anyone else had to say on the subject?

Yet forgiving myself and stopping the internal negative chatter still proved difficult. A long time ago now, I have moved on from twenty-four hour guilt to thinking about it once in a while. I honestly don’t know whether this lingering shame is a good or lack-of-faith thing. On the one hand, it certainly prevents me from ever doing anything similar. On the other hand, I hope I don’t allow it to scare me away from risks or opportunities that might enrich my life or someone else’s in the fear that it will go sour or that I’m setting myself up to repeat past bad behavior.

Life can be a tight-rope act. Sometimes you have to act without the surety of a firm footing and take the chance you’ll learn to fly. But be prepared to pick yourself up after failures and dredge up the courage to go on to the next challenge. Maybe that’s true forgiveness—accepting the existence of a weakness and, in working on strengthening it, moving forward.