Failure Is an Option--Part Four

Crunch Time

Four years later, working at the insurance company the last three, my grandfather died suddenly of heart failure. My mother, aunts, and uncles out of state—it was a large family of six kids—I handled the funeral arrangements. A month later, my grandmother had a heart attack and became bedridden. Did my personal life affect my ability to concentrate and be effective on the job? I didn’t dwell on it.

 

The office supervisor called me in for a heart-to-heart talk after my grandmother returned home from the hospital and said that while understandable work suffered as I dealt with personal issues, he hoped things were resolved and I could now buckle down and finish my project.

 

Resolved? My heart disputed. My grandmother had stopped communicating. A stoic upbringing insisted I accept that people died and suffered illnesses. The living shouldered their responsibilities and got on with things. I didn’t fail. I quit for a higher purpose, taking responsibility for my grandmother, my time surely better spent caring for family.

The dreams started immediately—repetitive, haunting scenarios of that last project at the office—the deadline approached and I wouldn’t be ready, endless squiggling lines of doodles heading nowhere, and yes, even occasionally that old standby of being naked and vulnerable at my desk.

Living on savings, I assured myself chances of getting another job would increase at the beginning of the next year after Grandma had time to recuperate, in reality, terrified of putting  myself back out there and in denial about my grandmother’s prognosis. She died quietly two months after her attack, three months after Grandpa. At the time, I would have sworn it had been at least six.

What I’m Reading

I finished the Writer’s Digest Grammar Desk Reference. Way too much information to take in at one reading, though the writing style deliberately aims at helping the reader to retain it. I’m going back to another draft of my novel The Devoted of Imshalel this week with all these probable corrections I need to make buzzing in my head. Good thing I enjoy revising. Some of what I’ve learned is obvious when comparing earlier posts to more recent ones.

More next time.