Failure Is an Option--Part Five

The Stuff of Dreams

Finances necessitated a new job. I found one well within my abilities and low in pay. The dreams continued, a constant rehash of could of, should of, would of. Finally, an aha dream ended my nocturnal quest for a satisfactory resolution to my anxious fears and doubts.

I carried a large heavy mattress through my old office. It dragged, too big for me to hold up off the floor. Struggling, more and more frustrated, I finally asked my supervisor to help. He easily lifted the other end. Not a particularly subtle message, you might say, yet I woke with new insight into my personality, the dreams finally fulfilling their mission.

Self-sufficiency had been the bedrock of my childhood rearing, relying on others a poor option rarely considered. I never learned to ask for assistance. I wonder if that reluctance, though fueled by self-doubt, is also part vanity and arrogance—I’m too smart or good to need help—sort of thing. I suspected the insurance company’s training was insufficient and did mention it to my boss. I believed him when he said I should have the wherewithal to pick it up on my own and never directly requested further training.

  

Maybe he was right in his observation that I might be better at book learning than putting what I learned into practice. I didn’t give myself the chance to find out, quitting and cutting off any opportunity to explore other possibilities. I didn’t fail at a job, I failed myself. Too full of insecurities to risk the exposure of being seen as less than adequate, I let my fears defeat me.

Final section next time.

The Human Condition

It’s easy to gloss over one’s own responsibility and blame others for failure, especially in this age of instant gratification and entitlement. The natural world works on survival of the fittest. Having the right to happiness and personal fulfillment is a human invention on a continuum from well-meaning religious precepts meant to help us care for one another to being freely handed too much, too soon, too often without earning it. Expecting to receive while giving nothing back is as unhealthy as doing all you can and still having to do without necessities. Where the healthy middle ground might be is something we’ll probably discuss forever. Don’t you think that, too, is part of the human condition?