Apologizing For Bad Behavior

Recognizing Our Failings

Many years back—I still lived with my parents—I wanted in the worse way to go to a singing contest and compete. I didn’t want to go alone and asked a friend who also sang to go with me. She wanted nothing to do with it. I cajoled, I argued, I wouldn’t let up. Let’s not quibble. I bullied until she gave in. Except when I arrived to pick her up, she’d fled the house.

I thought what an infantile thing to do, really pissed that I’d miss the competition, too scared to tackle it by myself. After I’d cooled down and looked at things from my friend’s perspective, I thought, how horrible am I that she had to run from her own home to get away from me? I felt awful but screwed up the courage to call and was surprised at her courage when she agreed to talk to me.

Eating Crow

I apologized profusely, explaining that I realized exactly what I’d done and I’d never do it again. We remained friends for a while but eventually drifted apart. A long time ago, I don’t remember if I believed my behavior permanently damaged the friendship or if other factors were at play. Anyway, the point—usually, we women tend to hold on to guilt like the Holy Grail. This one time at least, I didn’t. I meant my apology, truly understood what I’d done was unacceptable, and didn’t do it again.

I can’t say I’ve never repeated other types of controlling behavior through the years with other people. I do think, because of that early experience, I’m more aware when I start to veer onto the wrong path and more apt to reverse course.   

Wednesday—what can be controlled and what cannot when having to apologize and not confusing saying I’m sorry with what it takes to be sorry.

The Point of the Gospel--John's Story of the Disciples

The Calling of the Disciples {John}

John the Baptist saw Jesus passing by and said, “Look, the Lamb of God!” Two of his disciples spent the day with Jesus. Andrew told his brother, Simon Peter, that they’d found the Messiah and brought him to Jesus.

Jesus said, “You are Simon, son of John. You will be called Peter, which means rock.” The next day, Jesus found Philip and told him to follow. He, like Andrew and Peter, came from the town of Bethsaida.

Philip went to Nathanael and told him they’d found Jesus of Nazareth, the one Moses and the prophets wrote about. Nathanael was skeptical but went. Jesus greeted him as if he knew him. “How do you know me?” he asked.

“I saw you under the fig tree before Philip found you,” Jesus answered.

Nathanael said, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God, the King of Israel.”

“You believe because I saw you under the fig tree? You shall see more, the angels of God coming and going from heaven to the Son of Man.”

John the Baptist Discusses Jesus {John}

Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he baptized. John also baptized there before he was imprisoned. An argument developed between John’s disciples and a Jew concerning the number of people turning to Jesus.

John said, “A man receives what heaven gives him. You remember I said I am not the Christ. The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend waiting for the bridegroom is full of joy when he comes, which is how I feel. Jesus must become greater and I less, for God has sent him and he speaks the words of God. The Father loves the Son and has placed everything in his hands. Those who believe in the Son are given eternal life. Those who reject him receive God’s divine retribution.”

Personal Thoughts: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John’s version of the beginning of Jesus’ ministry differ, but I don’t think that change the overall message. It does speak to the fact that the writers had different agendas and points they wanted to emphasize, the bare facts not always their first priority.

Types of Abuse Continued

Self-Abuse

And no, I don’t mean what silly adults used to say made you go blind. Maybe an even older saying applies—it’s human nature to be our own worst enemy. We know that eating less fatty, sugary foods and getting more exercise keeps our bodies and minds working better. We still want to laze in front of the TV or computer and eat ice cream or chips and dip.

We’ve all been annoyed by people who complain about the same things over and over and never seem to take any steps toward remedying the problem, or have ourselves felt stuck in that spot, not sure if there is a remedy or how to go about finding it. Used to be called being in a rut, often associated with mid-life when we tend to ask ourselves what our life has been worth and what happened to our dreams.

That’s all part of the equation of the human condition. Abuse doesn’t happen when we simply indulge the I-want section of our ego, rather it’s when we engage in long-term behaviors destructive to our physical and emotional health.

Destructive Behavior

These behaviors stem from any of a variety of reasons: poor coping skills for life’s stresses, self-medicating psychological pain (from trauma, mental disorders, or broken dreams) and physical pain (from illness, accidents, or aging), a lack of self-worth—possibly from one of the above causes, a childhood devoid of nurturing, or poor choices for which we can’t forgive ourselves.

In the end, maybe it comes down to that—forgiveness. I’ll explore that Monday along with behaviors we’ve probably all experienced, whether we perpetrated them or had them visited upon us. Friday on The Point of the Gospel—John’s version of the calling of the disciples.

Types of Abuse

What Constitutes Relationship Abuse

I read Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult about a woman caught in a cycle of abuse. Have to admit, I had a hard time empathizing. The character grew up with parents who needed her to take on their pain, which enabled them to continue their behaviors—the father could neglect his family, pushing the responsibility of the alcoholic mother onto the daughter. The mother had passive permission to continue her addiction.

Growing up, the daughter marries a famous man with his own twisted childhood and pain, and she allows him to take it out on her, telling herself she’s helping him, it’s not his fault. It’s difficult to imagine thinking like this if you’ve never experienced it.

Then I thought about the many unhappy couples who stay married, glued together by the once-upon-a-time stigma of divorce and today’s financial worries. We’re unhappy, despairing of ever being loved, appreciated, close to someone. Yet we stay—for the kids, personal security, fear of change or jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I wonder, emotionally, if that’s so different.

We’re still enabling each other’s dependencies and fears and, if not physically violent, often with a lot of vocal abuse. We all know couples we like apart and can’t stand together for more than five minutes. Even without obvious abuse, we seem driven to accept unfulfilling, lonely lives that can turn us inward toward anger and depression or outward to hours of social media or every cause, charity, or committee we can possibly squeeze in to give our lives meaning.

Solutions—anyone want to share positive or negative stories from personal experience?   

The Point of the Gospel--The Disciples (con't)

Jesus Speaks From Peter’s Boat {Luke’s version of the calling of the first disciples.}

Jesus climbed into a boat owned by Simon and asked him to row out a little way from shore, so he could teach the crowds. When he had finished, he told Simon to row out deeper and put down his nets.

Simon said, ‘Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything, but I will do as you say.” They caught such a mass of fish that their nets began to break. They signaled their partners, James and John, sons of Zebedee, in another boat to come and help. They filled both boats and began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ feet and said, “Get away from me, Lord. I’m a sinful man!”

Jesus said, “Don’t be afraid. From now on you will catch men.” So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything, and followed him.

John the Baptist’s Disciples {Matthew and Mark}

Some of John the Baptist’s disciples came and asked Jesus, “Why don’t your disciples fast as we and the Pharisees do?”

Jesus answered, “The guests of the bridegroom don’t mourn while they’re with him. In time he will be taken from them. Then they will fast. If an unshrunk cloth is used to patch an old garment, the patch will shrink and worsen the tear. In the same vein, if new wine is poured into old wineskins, the skin will burst and both wine and wineskin will be ruined. Pour new wine into new wineskins to preserve both.”

{Luke} (His rendition is slightly different.) No one tears a patch from a new garment to mend an old one. It ruins the first and doesn’t match the new. (He adds to the wineskin parable): After drinking the old wine, no one wants the new.

Personal Thought: Is Jesus saying that old traditions don’t apply to him and his disciples because they are something new and shouldn’t be compared? People like the old, “aged” wine better. Does that mean people have to get used to Jesus before they’ll accept him?

Next time on The Point of the Gospel—John’s rendition of the calling of the disciples.